mistystripe

2009-12-15T23:33:00.000-08:00

End of the year and the beginning of the year, each year, I find myself holding my breath. Only past Febuary do I breathe again.

Despite the promise of a secure job for next year I still feel apprehensive. I have learnt to discount on hope and learnt to accept changes as the days go by. I guess I will not be totally happy until pieces start falling into place, where I want them to.

I do not want to complain, my resoultion is to stop whineging. There are many things in life i am grateful for, sure most of them are not physically next to me but that is enough to make me smile.

I am making up for lost times.

2009-12-15T23:21:00.000-08:00

22 is over and gone, despite efforts to run away from reality it has finally caught up with me. What is it with me and growing older? I feel myself changing over these past few months, my values, my thoughts. If only they weren't so drastic, anything but minimalistic.

Spending time with people who have almost touched death really makes you realise how short of a life we live. Here today, gone tomorrow. Being with them, in hindsight, I would have not taken things for granted. My family I once so called "hated", I am pinning for them now. The noise I had to wake up to every Sunday mornings, the aroma of dinner wafting through the kitchen every evening. The laughter, the arguments, the tears, they were worth it and now I wonder if I can ever get them back.

I am envious of ppl who do not have to leave thier family or even if they did they can always go back to the same place. For me that place has competely changed. If I would go back I would be going back to a new place, a new start. I don't want to start over. I want things to be the same.

But we can't always get what we want. Never will.

We live in an ugly world. But live we must.

2009-11-14T15:10:00.000-08:00

This loneliness only grows deeper. I miss you, you and you, everyone of you...

The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake and miss you.
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,
But I'll miss your arms around me.
I'd send a postcard to you dear,
'Cause I wish you were here.

I'll watch the night turn light blue.
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.

I'll find repose in new ways,
Though I haven't slept in two days,
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
But drenched in Vanilla twilight,
I'll sit on the front porch all night,
Waist deep in thought because when I think of you.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.

As many times as I blink I'll think of you... tonight.
I'll think of you tonight.

When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here...

owl city - vanilla twilight

2009-10-27T17:24:00.000-07:00

Someone stole my bicycle... Sure it wasnt great, sure it needed servicing but I loved that bloody thing!!!

My fault for not locking it.

Whoever took it, ...

2009-10-24T05:48:00.000-07:00

I am having a love hate relationship with the Emergency Dept. At times I really enjoy myself, I love the crazy pace of things and everythings really unexpected. But there are times when I feel really incompetent and in trying to get everything done I do a sloppy job and I absolutely hate that. Its only been 3 weeks, I'll get used to it somehow. My bank balance has never seemed as pathetic as it does now. I have given up bothering too much about money these days seriously, I have been trying to save up for the last year and where has that gotten me?

The stench of this city on late nights I can't stand. The stale ciggs and foul odour of piss in their breath.

I am exhausted but I cant sleep. I miss home. Where is home?

2009-08-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

I feel sick in my stomach. It feels like so long ago since I felt this way. Memories I rather let die, emotions I rather be without. I feel like a teenager, immature and selfish, lamenting on issues that no longer matter. This facade I've taken ages to build up, now stripped bare to the world I can't hide away my ugliness that haunts my every being. I am trying to forget. I rather forget then remember the things that once were. Past and present they are all mixed up as one in my head, my emotions spirialling out of control, I try to find my centre where ever it may be.

I am not myself. Do not take offend of my remarks, I don't really mean it. I am not the one speaking. Its something else. Really.

Find me my cure.

2009-08-07T04:01:00.000-07:00

Today in a few words...

I'd like to be a godma!

Work was friggin busy...bloody loved it!

Flirted with one guy(?) and killed another guy ego.

and

HAPPY BDAY JANU BABY!!!

we are only as old as we think we are...

Miss you!

Love you...

2009-06-10T05:04:00.000-07:00

I have to say workin in DPU is rather… different.

Yes, that’s the best word that comes to mind. It’s definitely unlike the wards, no morning showers!!! And also no fussing with medications and bloody notes! I am whingeing again.

Sure it has its own challenges. I got to work with children today. It bothers me at times, seeing them so helpless and they are so innocent too. I feel for the parents, if it were my kid I’d be really fussed too.

Supernumery day ends as of today and I fly solo tomorrow. There will be mess ups I am certain of it, just hope it’s not too great of an issue. With this job, you’ll never know will you? So bugger it, just need to take it in my stride.

I get lost under the scrubs; I need really small custom made ones instead. Can’t get what you always want though. Only two days down and I’m buggered. I need my beauty sleep.

Happy anni baby, I love you.

2009-06-05T04:32:00.000-07:00

Ran to keep warm Throat’s as coarse as sandpaper Smiled to a stranger Smiled to a familiar face Too cloudy for Holga Sunny days I await Cyanosed nails, foggy breath Spoke my mind, felt lighter Got ignored, I gave up “We are the children of the night, we are the children…!” blasting in my ears The world remains quiet

“…there are two reasons why people cry, one is when they feel sorry for themselves, second is when they are really, really sad…”
the twelve kingdoms.

2009-06-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

I have Foreign Land on repeat. I want to go see Eskimo Joe in concert in August. Someone go with me please…

Two weeks annual leave is almost over. I need to keep my hands and mind busy. Kept them idle for a day and it got me all angsty, it’s not good. Driving starts Friday, feeling slightly apprehensive yet looking forward to it.

I miss my mates. I feel like I have been neglecting everyone. I need to reply emails, write letters answer text msgs and meet up with some.

My last day at 2 North was bittersweet. They planned afternoon tea which was completely unexpected and I forgot to buy a “Thank You” card for the ward. I felt like a bad person but didn’t think much about it after. A part of me was dying to get out of there. No offence to the staff, they are champions. I was just getting sick and tired of riding on the train and winter’s just started so it wouldn’t have been pleasant.

I can’t wait to start at DPU. I’ll be working only on weekdays and the shift times are more flexible. It means less pay and more free time on weekends. I might try and improve my social life a little then, or I’ll have more time with my Holga.

I need to service my push bike; it’s too cold to run now. Leaves my throat dry raw and my nose runs too, not a very pretty sight at all. I’m going to join gym instead and ride my bike although it’s a little too tall for me. I have short legs you see. I’ll have to let go of a few self indulges so I can join. Yesh! And swim in the heated pools. I have to start soon before it’s too late. Most importantly keep busy, busy, and busy.

Janu baby! I love the scarf!!! Thank you!

Ok bye.

2009-05-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

For you...

I wake up all alone, somewhere unfamiliar.
Been gone so many days, Im losing count.
When I think of home, I see your face.
I know I have to wait

I miss hearing your laughter
And all the little things
Forgotten what its like to hold you
Cause where I am right now so unforgiving
Its numbing everything

So promise
No matter how long it takes for me to get back to you
You'll wait for me

I Promise
No matter how far away I go
I'll come back for you
Just wait and see

I miss being at home
I miss your face
Dont think I can wait...

We're so close, yet so far
It's tearing me apart
What I would do to be there with you

So close yet so far
Its tearing me apart
What I would do to be back with you

No matter how far away I go I'll come back for you
I promise...

hoobastank - so close so far

2009-05-29T11:10:00.000-07:00

Every single moment I look forward to, the outcome never satisfy my expectations. My mind is as foggy as the path I walk in the ungodly hour as the world sleeps. The ray of sun creeps like a tease, illuminating its way through a gloomy pasture, yet it brings no warmth. The chill in the air lingers stubbornly, the winter breeze making my bones shiver. If only there was a switch to help me control these sentiments I’d be so much happier. Rightfully hollow, then I’d be happy to play your petty little games with a grin in my face while I rot away inside.

Pounding my boots on the gravel to the beat of the drums and bass in my head, I wish to disappear. Be anywhere but here. I feel it all, I feel it all. I am fighting back all the negative urges. You wouldn’t like me if I gave in.

Dying in a foreign land,
So do you understand that?

this is what it feels to love than I can feel that, this is what it feels to love than I can feel that...

2009-05-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

Run, we keep running. So I'll run. Keep running. Never can stop me, out of my way.

runaway.

2009-03-09T04:55:00.000-07:00

I’d be lying if I said I am not disappointed. Their decision, it does bother me. I tried letting go, thinking its family, I have to be happy for my big sis. However, it seems I have to try harder.

She said she will marry in two weeks time. Why? I wonder. Why the rush? True she isn’t getting any younger, yet how long have they been dating? Maybe it’s just my protective nature; I don’t want her to get hurt.

I have been avoiding all phone calls, their attempts of explanation. Honestly, I rather not know. I can’t tell the truth from the lies anymore.

Deep inside this stubborn being lies a soft spot and all I can say is, you have my blessing sis. I know you want this. I can’t say it out loud but really, stay happy. It’s about time.

Work is exhausting. Its like a mad house compared to what I was used to before. Not so much the people but just the sheer rush of things and the load.

I know I have no right to winge considering the fact that my dear friends have it tougher than I do. I don’t know how you guys do it. I feel like I have been spoon fed then thrown out into the world, the hand that once fed me no longer in sight.

I am still learning, trying to get the grasp of things and nothing surprises me anymore. I have a long way to go. It’s only been a month, 3 more to go! Before starting over again.

Some days I feel like packing up my things and moving out from this place. What I miss most about my other life was I could run whenever I wanted to, wherever I wanted to because I had places I could seek solace from, mates I could waste away with.

Then I remember I am not young anymore. I can’t be stupid and irresponsible like I once was. I live in a box with a beautiful view. I want new Asics shoes so I can climb up the thousand steps when I feel like what I felt today. Direct my anger into something positive. Now that’s a challenge.

I want Rabin to move out as soon as he can. I don’t mean to chase him away. As long as he keeps the place tidy he is very welcome. I am sick and tired of playing maid and cleaning mouse droppings from the cupboards. I killed the last living mice at home with a water bottle. Not proud of it but it was eating into all our cereals and bread, it had to die.

I hope he finds a job soon; pay shoes back and then move out with his mates. Yes, that would be good.

I might get my learners permit tomorrow provided I pass. If that happens, 6 months later time to buy a cheap ass car. Then, hello freedom.

spaceman

2009-02-02T02:33:00.001-08:00

I feel apprehensive.

I’ve gone full circle and now I’m back to square one. The confidence is fading away slowly; the only way to get rid of the knots in my stomach is to let things take its course.

The remedy speaks, just go with the flow.

2009-01-30T07:38:00.001-08:00

The heat is doing my head in, buring my skin and boiling my blood. With the mecury rising to the top of 45 degrees, the last thing we need is an electrity shortage, transport delays and stupid idiots delibrately lighting up bush fires.

The aircon was left redundant afraid of taking up too much power, having to rely on the fan to circulate the hot air round and round the room was just unbearable. Restless night followed feeling hot and bothered and that lead to old memories being ressurected. I can't push them away, not anymore.

With the rail lines all bending in the heat, there were too many unhappy passengers left stranded due to train delays and to pacify them, transport was FOC. Ran to seek some comfort in retail therapy, not minding the journey in the blistering heat, looking forward to the glorious airconditioned mall and ice creams. I also did not mind my wallet. Not giving much thought I spent away a good chunk off my balance, which till now I have not dared checked. Decided to watch Role Models in impulse, which I found rather enjoyable.

It's getting cooler now, hope it stays that way.

There are so many people I have to apologise to for my actions, be it under current cirumstances or the past. I am not perfect and I do not deny never hurting anyone. I wished I knew better, if only I'd listen. I have come to a point in my life where I want to stop being selfish and not hurt those who matter to me. If I could take it all back I would. I want to start a new. Be who I am most comfortable being. I need this. I should have done it sooner but better late than never. Life's too short.

So forgive me if you can.

2009-01-29T18:51:00.000-08:00

The time finally came for me to say goodbye to the people who made a significant impact in my life within such a short period of time. It saddens me to leave that one place where I feel like I belong in an otherwise foreign setting. I couldn't thank them enough.

It was a rather eventful week, on my last week at the ward. I had two new incident reports to add to my belt.

One medication error which, at hindsight, was completely avoidable.

Then two days later, I incured a needle stick from a Palliative patient who had VRE. The incident just broke me, again. I do not know why I was so emotional but I guess the shock was just too much to bear with the incidents happening just days apart. I was terrified I'd catch something from her, and the thought just left me paralysed for a while.

I was determined I was jinxed.

The VRE patient passed away peacefully the next day, on my last day of work.

Why that patient? Why me? Why on my last week?

I am just glad noone was harmed from my mistakes. And my blood test came out clean so its all good, till my next blood test in a months and 3 months time.

The best thing at the end of it all, one put me down for what I did, noone blamed me or made me feel rotten for what happened. Amazingly everyone was supportive and encouraging dispite the circumstances. Even with the medication error, they did not judge me. If they did secretly, they never let it show.

Now the tiny scar on my finger does not let me forget, left a mark on me before she went.

2009-01-22T14:34:00.000-08:00

I broke down at work on Wednesday. I was physically and mentally exhausted. Gf wasn’t too happy bout me staying over at a colleagues’ the day before. My credit was low and just another classic example of communication gone wrong; just a hang up was enough to make my sleep disappear.

Then I went to work with a heavy heart and a shriveled brain. I didn’t feel as efficient, considering that other people depended on me that morning; I was doing a terrible job at holding my own.

The colleagues, helpful as always, shared my load of duties although they had their own to do. That was what broke me. I had too much, 6th day straight without a proper break, without proper rest, with too much in my mind and having to rely on others.

NIC told me to go home early. I understood her decision; I wasn’t even able to take care of myself that morning let alone 5 others. She was right I needed a break.

I left early, cycled almost 10 km after work to let off steam. My legs almost gave way, almost got lost, almost fell and cracked my skull. Got home in one piece and rested like a log. It felt good to think of nothing.

I reminded myself of my position, of my own place being here. I was so stupid to have let something personal compromise my work. I can’t afford to do that, not again.

I have one more week left in the ward, 7 days straight shift. It feels surreal. How time flew and my few months of working there is almost over. I will miss them for sure. I am nervous about starting over at Maroondah. New characters, different personalities, new environment. I hope that 4 months just breezes though as well. Its all for my learning, its all for my future.

I am not saying it necessarily makes me happy. All I can say is my happiness is not important at the moment. There are things I’d like to do, places I’d like to go but that has to wait. No I am not having a good time, partying nor having fun here. That can wait.

I might be going over to Jess’s place on the 25th with the others after work for Chinese New Year gathering. 26th is Australia Day and Chinese New Years, will be at work then slogging my ass off.

I really want to watch Slumdog Millionaire.

the closer you get to something
the tougher it is to see it
and i'll never take it for granted...

2008-12-23T05:26:00.000-08:00

Fleeting thoughts and nostalgia

I try and grasp onto each letter as they escape my thoughts. Hollow, it speaks. That I feel, eternally, truly.

Bonfires, I hear laughter. I feel weary. I still feel hollow, some how.

“You’re far away, don’t you ever get lonely?”

You can’t begin to imagine.

You have no idea…

I want to work 24/7. Wish I wasn’t contracted. So much time gone to waste, left wondering, wishing. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to stop. Because when I do, the floodgates open. Shedding light to everything I kept hidden, intended to bury them, once again revealed. A hobby never last, never was the creative one to begin with.

I see the stars when I close my eyes. I reach back to my deepest thoughts, hoping, praying, memory don’t fail me now. You are all I have, every second I can never get back. Despite moving forward I am still stuck I realize. Or maybe it was only repression.

I will not be a smear on your happiness. I am so far out I lost myself.

Don’t try and fix me, I can’t be repaired.

nice ball work

2008-12-10T19:01:00.000-08:00

Did more chrissie deco at work, only had 2 patient load and helped everyone out.

As each day passes by, I feel more attached to the ward and the reluctance to leave grows greater but I know don't have a choice. Sometimes I forget I am only a grad and I still have loads to learn. The support and encouragement I get from the peeps is just so overwhleming sometimes I feel like I belong and not just a strange outsider.

Why can't everyone be friendlier? Nicer for once.

This place feels like a dream and I know I'll have to prepare myself for the real world again soon. I don't know what to expect but I know I'll just have to perform better, try harder and mostly just be true to myself to get through this other hurdle.

I remember how scary to used to be when I went for placements, the fear of doing the wrong thing and trying to please the sister was just wrong.

Maroondah here I come. (next year)

I miss my baby... I wish I was home.

2008-12-09T14:52:00.000-08:00

The good things about my job:

Watching my mature fellow staff members check out hunks of (single and hot) grandsons coming to visit their grannies.

Checking out hot doctors and paging them for the smallest things so they come up to the wards.

Recieving endless supply of chocolates for our efforts.

Being punched on the face by a very unhappy lady who wants to escape.

I love my job.

Its only been a few months now and I already have two incident reports on my belt. I guess injuring myself is better than harming others with my mistakes.

2008-12-06T11:45:00.000-08:00

I'm too early for work. Lalala... Patients are still sleeping, night shift staff are chasing me away. Felt like I never slept, the beauty of late-early shifts.

Decorated my first christmas tree at work yesterday. Only had two patient load and it was a quiet Saturday afternoon. Only when I got home I realised I forgot to put down the Flagyl drip on a patient. Forgetful forgetful.

Ok times up, back to work.

2008-12-05T02:37:00.000-08:00

How does this go again?

Been ages since I last spoke, many things have changed, circumstances, possibilities.
Back to work tomorrow. When can I come home?

2008-12-04T21:23:00.001-08:00

run run run...

2008-08-13T01:26:00.000-07:00

We push the thoughts and words come out
They could be lies, they could be doubt
But throw enough money at it's feet
And all the lies become perfectly sweet

I can't connect if I can't relate to you
And we can't accept what we do not get to choose
Tell me honey, what is it we do?
Remind me honey, what did we just lose?

2008-06-11T02:33:00.001-07:00

Bleakness surrounds whatever’s left of me. Under situations when I feel I have no control of my so called existence. Plans never go according to the list and I am weary trying to pull the good sides of bad circumstances. The negativities always outweigh the measly better parts.

I have given up crying over spoilt milk, fixated my sights on only what’s ahead. What do I see you ask? I haven’t a clue. The possibilities are infinite, the choices in abundance. Yet I can only bite off what I can chew.

I feel like I’ve hit a wall. The emotions that arise from such a condition aren’t as different from that of falling down the well, but they are still two very different things. I have reached a point where destiny has yet to ink the continuity of my life, where I go from here.

As of now the exits, even an escape to the past, are all closed off and I stand here waiting not knowing how to react to this sudden pause in my life. Ironically time still ticks away, the cruelty of life.

Trusty lady luck has left my side. I can feel the brooding dark cloud materializing over my head as I type this.

The weather outside looks really dandy, you’d observe scattered fluffy white clouds slowly gliding across the blue skies, with the soft breeze caressing and rustling the loose autumn leaves on the branches.
On the contrary, there is a storm up in my head, and its flooding up my senses. It’s seeping through my cranium and making my head really soft. I feel like wearing a helmet lest I fall down head first as I drown within myself.

A tiny glimmer of hope tells me this is a phase. Or maybe I am just afraid to face the inevitable ahead.

“Brace yourself!” The only thing I have left to tell myself.

2008-06-04T04:33:00.001-07:00

I’m licking my wounds with salt on my tongue. I do not know what will become of me tomorrow, or the day after. I am shaking and it is not because of the chilling winds from the south. I do not want to play blame games; I do not want to play any games. I’ve grown weary from the fights and I do not wish to claim the prize.

Brutal Honesty. I couldn’t have said it better wayne.

2008-05-27T02:46:00.000-07:00

I tire living under such uncertainties with nothing to fall back on, only soil I have yet to set my toes upon. I never pretended to like you, false impressions lead you astray. I do not have time for petty games and I never had ambitions on living my life as a tight rope walker.

And again I feel the fears of loneliness creep over me as early as dusk arrives in the skies over head.

I have not had a proper conversation with a decent being in ages, with someone I can actually see. Polite greetings, casual exchanges, I don’t have a smile to offer any of you. Perhaps one day when I awake to a familiar place, only then if I still remember how to smile.

I am just hoping this will end.

living temporary

clearly misunderstood

2008-04-29T01:56:00.000-07:00

Temptations fill my soles and my toes are dancing. How easy it would be to simply turn my back and run till my legs numb, till I lose control.

Flick the switch. Give me back my shoes.

the past haunts, the present smothers, the future kills

2008-04-09T02:30:00.001-07:00

I should be back home by my baby’s side, at the hospital lending her moral support. Instead I am in school pulling at my hair off its roots. Last week and this week has been absolutely unbelievable. I have only slept a total of 6 hours been awake the rest of the 42.

2000 word essay, which was due on Monday, was a complete bore to finish, being the perfectionist I am I took ages writing about health promotion (screams redundancy!!). Pathology test on Tuesday was a complete disaster considering the fact that this is the second time I am taking it. I was somewhere else hiding in my head, I only learnt about the test on Sunday. But I do not remember being enthusiastic about it in the first place. I am not really the enthusiastic type. Surprisingly the presentation turned out well, ticks under the excellent columns, never been so lucky.

Today they taught us how to place condoms on erect Styrofoam dicks.

I should'nt be doing this now. I have to go back and do my work.

i'll keep you in my prayers

2008-04-01T02:53:00.000-07:00

I’ll be like a ghost for a month or so.

I should have disappeared earlier, nightmares seem closer than expected.

2008-03-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can’t help but wish that I was there
Back where I’d love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I’m not around,when I’m much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I’d stayed
’Cause I’m lonely and I’m tired
I’m missing you again oh no
Once again

There’s nothing here for me on this barren road
There’s no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can’t help but think of the times I’ve had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I’m not around,when I’m much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I’d stayed
’Cause I’m lonely and I’m tired
I’m missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade…

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I’m not around,when I’m much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I’d stayed
’Cause I’m lonely and I’m tired
I’m missing you again oh no
Once again

Avenged Sevenfold - Dear God

2008-03-26T02:04:00.000-07:00

You were never the one to ask but I was always kind to tell. I sleep again tonight with this headache, heartache for company and pray, pray that I never wake to feel such sorrow tomorrow. Even smiling seems like a huge feat. Baby, I am sorry for the relentless, unnecessary outburst of repressed emotions. If only serotonin came in vials with my name on it. Well there is always exercise and food to do the job. I need me that load of mushrooms to do me some good. Teach me to take life’s blow with a smile and teach me how to bite back. I feel like a virgin to life’s bitter woes. And I can hear them screaming, “Oi wake up you laddie! Or I’ma gonna give ya a good spankin, you hear!?”.

And I sin again today like a sinner I am everyday; “I will be okay”, I lie.

and there is nothing brighter than your smile to light my way

2008-03-25T23:42:00.000-07:00

Presenting The Pending Tracks... Rasht's band!

Repair my broken heart
With one awesome smile of yours, beautiful
Heal my poison self
With your tonic kiss that cures, magical

Your eyes, my sunrise
Your presence, my paradise...

2008-03-25T23:13:00.000-07:00

Call us Nomads, we insist.

A long excerpt taken from the blog of the greatest woman ever lived. I love you babe!!! There are many things I would love to add on but I just don’t know where to begin. I really would love for them to try and fit into our shoes one day. And then we’ll see what they have to say. No offence intended people, just speaking from our hearts.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Though I may be in Nepal and almost completely out of touch with the world, allegations against us after the recent Mas Selamat (Mr Elusive as Terr calls him) escape is just pure stupid.

When I say 'us,' I mean all the Gurkha soldiers and their families be it whether they are still in service, out of service or going to be in the force soon. As much as I hate GC, I still think it is immoral to blame our men for the escape even after we have been cleared.

Their reasons? Cuz we are from a corrupted country, we are all automatically subconsciously corrupted human beings. Also, we only care about money and will kill even our own brothers for money. And of course that seriously brainless anecdote that we are loyal to the person who pays us (our 'masters') and hence will kill Singaporeans when commanded upon. Are we dogs that our 'masters' have a unique lease reserved for?

I see people attacking the Gurkhas simply because Mr Lee Kuan Yew is the one who brought us over in the first place. Just because you do not like Mr LKY and have some kind of special noxious feeling reserved for him does not mean that you go around criticising everything that Mr LKY supports. If you have a problem with him, why don't you take it out with him directly instead of hiding behind that computer screen of your's and throwing words that begets no action? Why are you dragging us along too? Are you just jealous of Mr LKY because he achieved what you aim to but could not achieve? Or are you threatened by him?

I do not understand why so many Singaporeans hate Mr LKY so much. They are literally cutting off the hand that is feeding them with a golden spoon. Sure he may have the highest power in SG and does not seem to give up his power, but don't you think after all he has done for SG, he deserves that privilege? I do not see Mr LKY going, "Hm... Since I am the boss of Singapore, let's kill all those who resist me so I can have a country to call my own. I can be the first king of Singapore and having the power I can wield, I can completely buy off any lawsuits or of course just kill those mofos too using my brave, loyal Gurkhas.

"Hello! :::raps against that thing you call head::: Are we not humans? Do we not have feelings? Do we not make mistakes? Do we not have common sense? Do we not have a sense of righteousness? Are we being defined by what little prejudices you know of us? Are we being condemned for others' actions? What pisses me off is that all these accusations spurted out so quickly and grew overnight with no substantiation. Looks like Racial Harmony day and all these CME and social studies classes failed in their principle.

Living in Singapore, I have never really suffered from racism. And I know I speak for most of the Gurkhas too. In fact I have meet people who are in awe of us and I have best Singaporean friends who see me for who I am instead of what my ancestral roots may say otherwise. But there are still so many ignorant people out there who believe only their narrow-minded brain tells them. How dare you deposit all of us into a category you deem please and exercise your nonsensical, groundless knowledge on the world without empathising for the very people whom you are killing with your words? We struggled through ignorance, snobbism, bigotry and arrogance; things you never had the luck to experience. So now you attack us with the only other weapon (discrimination) known to cause more hatred than any other?

If you want to get rid of us from your utopia, just do it. Don't renew our contracts, say you are self-sufficient now, say that you have the machines and technologies to make up for small population; say anything logical you want to get rid of us. You want to hate us, discriminate against us; go ahead. But do not ruin our reputation - the only thing we have at the end of the day after years of still struggling which you do not have to go through- and use any small excuse to make us look like we are monsters.It is so easy to blame others but when you guys need help, you turn to us. The people who said all those, you are cowards. How do you think we feel when we see those words of cruelty, assumption and hatred? Comforted with the luxuries your forefathers duped on your lap, you guys have forgotten what you are fighting for. Happily living with system that serves to serve you, you have forgotten how it feels like to struggle for it. You are fighting for something that is too broad. To you, what does your country actually mean anymore? Why in a time of such chaos do seeds of such hatred come up?

As for Gopalan Nair, (http://singaporedissident.blogspot.com) the oh-so-great dissident 'hiding' in US, why don't you come back and change your country for your own good? You are afraid that the people will assassinate you? Considering the ideologies you stand for, you should be thrilled at the thought of being assassinated and made a martyr by your loyal subjects so that your philosophies will be spread through a sacrificial cause.

Note: I am not in any way saying that all Singaporeans have the same mindset. Thankfully and I am not ashamed to say this, I am not as stupid as those who has the cheek to stereotype us effortlessly. I have great respect for a lot of Singaporeans and especially Mr LKY. I am just peeved at the way people labelled us before knowing us.

2008-03-13T03:24:00.000-07:00

Just for the record I won’t go home tonight. The stars look lovely, but not as lovely as you. I am afraid that’s what I am and I will not go home tonight. I’ll let the night air caress my hair, lie down on the hard asphalt and will my tears to cry. I can’t cry. I wish I could but I can’t. I would give anything to do that because the pain is just unbearable. I’ll talk to the sky, let the clouds be my blanket. I don’t want to be home, I fear you will not walk though that door anymore.

And if you ever do, you’ll know where to find me.
And if you ever do find me, don’t say a word and just lie down beside me.

2008-03-13T02:36:00.001-07:00

I feel fucking inadequate.

i wish I knew how to quit you

2008-03-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

“I love you”, I wish I could say it to your face, and not through mere words typed by my thumb and not through the millions of miles and static in between.

Yesterday sushi, lisa (girl from my medication class) and I got asked to leave the class for wearing thongs, slippers whatever during our lab session. I didn’t attend any classes yesterday for various personal reasons (excuses really) and I did very badly wanted to attend my first lab lesson. I even read up before the damn class which I never do, only to be asked to leave. I simply forgot the rules for once. Haha, it was funny though. I had this hind sight bias that this would happen and it did. Mary was rather adamant about the whole situation so we were more than happy to not stay.

Well at least I managed to attend one class today. I slept at home while Pathology was being taught and made it in time for Sonia’s medication management lecture. Her voice is too soothing; I had to resist dozing off in my seat. It is always the same old, same old. I still question my being here sometimes. But don’t wag your finger at me just yet, I do know why.

My life has been staring at a pile of books lately. Words, words and more words. Oh and numbers too. I forgot there actually was a formula to calculate tablet doses!! Its common sense really.

Tuna tells me that it’s hard to believe that a human being actually resides in my room. I have more clothes on the bed and floor than I do in the drawers and wardrobe. Papers, unsent love letters, notes, what have you strewn across the table, bed, on the floor. But I like me room messy, gives it a cozy feel.

The only thing I am looking forward to today is finishing my week 3 module reading so I can start on my assignments due in April then borrow Plup Fiction dvd from the library, then get a tan walking home in the blistering Melbourne heat at 38 degrees Celsius (its frigging autumn!!!), then have my daily dose of Krispy Kreme that is waiting for me at home and finally and hopefully get to hear cicak’s voice which I already and really, really, really miss.

so brown eyes I hold you near, cause you’re the only song I want to hear

2008-03-11T02:00:00.000-07:00

I love sleep more than it allows me the pleasure. Days have started rolling into a dizzy frenzy, I can’t tell today from yesterday. I remember the high, I remember not living.

There is more to me that meets the eye. Will you still hold my hand if I revealed the horrors inside, inside I am not pretty. I hate to pretend. I wish I didn’t have to hide behind the veil, hide the scars the line my skin. I am made out of lies and secret beats in my heart. I wish the real me could face you. You made me. That is so true.

I hate it when you hit me like that. The ears are still ringing from the pain.
One smack on the face for old time sake. I do not hate you. Not just yet.

I want to feel the high, I remember not living.

2008-03-05T03:31:00.000-08:00

As far as papercuts and razorcuts go, don’t feel bad for the way things are. Change is the only thing we will have that is ever constant. All you see is the stage, behind the curtain I am too far away. Eventually we let all things go. Where did you go? Where did you go? This is the last time I will draw.

I need you to lift the words out of my mouth and tell my tale the way you want to hear it.

i don’t wanna be your friend, I just wanna be your lover

2008-03-04T22:31:00.000-08:00

THANK YOU AMY!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I want to dance my pants off and, get wasted on pot brownies and concentrated orange juice.

"hey mister DJ you got to put the record on, yeah!"

2008-03-04T21:44:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna ride this plane out of your life again
I wish that I could stay, but you argue
More than this I wish, you could've seen my face
In backseats staring out, the window

I'll do anything for you
Kill anyone for you

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back
In a phrase to cut these lips
I love you

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up

I've earned through hope and faith
On the curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever
If morning never comes for either one of us
Then this I pray to you wherever

I'll do anything for you
This story is for you('Cause I'd do anything you want me to for you)
I'll do anything for you
Kill anyone for you

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back
In a phrase to cut these lips
I loved you

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
'Til you decide to wake up

2008-03-03T23:15:00.000-08:00

I need to learn the importance of patience. And get my head checked.

I got the letter and the card. It’s really nice, and bittersweet.

Thank you baby. I love you.

2008-03-03T19:13:00.001-08:00

From the surge of emotions I get inside, I feel indefinitely bipolar. I need a pick-me-up because my happy pill is on vacation.

I let my guard down, I paid the price.
It took me years to build up that fortress
And you only took a minute to tear it all down.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it fuckin hurts.

silence kills

2008-03-03T00:11:00.001-08:00

The scare, it still leaves me shaking. Despite the familiarity I fear, for better or worst.

The sting from the wounds reminds me not to forget, but how could I?
I remember, I remember every detail. I stroke the lines where the letters form. I have your name on me now; does that make you a part of me?
For my foolishness, seer stupidity, I apologize.

I am blinded by fear. This is not me. The past haunts when it should lie sleeping. I coax myself I can do this, see past the difficulties. If only I had my head in the right place and the clarity to rationalize. If only you were where I could I see you.

To treasure you, that’s what she said. And I do without a single doubt.

I have forgotten the basic rules. I need you to remind me because negativity is all that clouds my synapses. I can’t do this on my own.

You feel like life is slipping away and I can’t reach you, that knowledge itself kills me too.

You asked me to leave you, how could I ever?

send the pain below where i need it

2008-02-26T17:49:00.001-08:00

argh!!! i miss my poly mates so bad. i wanna go home.

2008-02-24T21:54:00.000-08:00

A light start to the first day of school, just one lecture and we were done! We had a pleasant surprise when we met old acquaintances from NYP during lecture. They just started the new semester and I was more than happy to play tour guide. I remember how lost we were when we were freshies and luckily for us Selene and Grace were there to help us.

The school is really packed now, I feel claustrophobic. I guess I got used to the peace and quiet during the three months break we had. Thankfully for us classes aren’t as weighty as they were last semester. Despite the fact I still can’t find an empty slot which I can set aside for work without skipping classes. I did plenty of that last semester and I do not plan on repeating such actions. However work is a necessity too. Argh!!! I need a weekend job.

We invited the girls over to our place on Saturday for lunch, first time we will be having guests over, not counting my brother. I cleaned up my room yesterday, I give myself 24 hours till I can’t find my socks, till the clothes occupy the bed and floor again. Speaking of clothes I need to do my laundry. We do not have a washing machine by the way; the landlord wasn’t kind enough to provide one for us. But we are not complaining. Its karma I tell you. Every time I wash my clothes I’ll make sure to think of my mum. Hmm… I miss home. I miss being a pampered brat.

I am looking forward to your arrival! You know who you are.

I have yet to hear from some people too. Mail me ni! I know you are busy and the daggers don’t stop coming do they?

without love I won't survive

2008-02-07T22:43:00.000-08:00

Life’s been busy lately. Not a healthy situation to be in when my social and love life is at stake. It feels like I was gone forever.

We just moved to our new house, never thought we’ll actually move from the little apartment back in Edwin St. The house is too big for the three of us. We got our own rooms each, more privacy. A little backyard for a good barbie. We have to tend to the plants so time to hone our gardening skills. Moving was a chore. Took us the whole day we took off from work to move our things manually. Well I cheated, I took the cab once. It was sad leaving Gary and Rose, they were awesome landlords.

Work was busy and fucked up as usual. It ruined my life so to speak. It’ll be more relaxed next week with fewer jobs and hopefully more time to come to school and get my life back on track.

My elder brother will be arriving in Melbourne in about 8 hours time but I am too tired to feel excited. He will be crashing in till he flies over to Albury in 5 days time. Got to fatten him up before he leaves.

It’s cold as a witch’s tits here. Autumn is approaching.

Baby if you are listening, I was never gone. I still care and I want you back. Now.

2008-01-23T18:27:00.000-08:00

To kill time I read words drifted off other peoples fingers into stories and out of their minds. They sound so much better than mine.

You have spoken and yet I still feel this void. You tell me not to worry. You have yet to learn, I live to worry about you.

2008-01-23T16:31:00.000-08:00

It is not rocket science how one feels remote. It is contagious no doubt and the side effects are the cancers that direct the final blow. One does not require therapy, because it’s all bound to rebound. So one hardens the barrier keeping the world out and even the ones you love, especially the ones you love for they burrow the deepest ache of them all.

2008-01-21T20:33:00.000-08:00

Life is but a cold reality that pulls us away from the comfort of our dreams. Don’t give up on us, not just yet. I read fairytale wishes carved on the tree barks, lovers etched on concrete floors. Leaving our mark for other people to see, we could just be the next big thing. Jealousy is a bad friend to have. Everybody’s changing and nothing seems constant, only the weather. Change your heart, change the lock and change your mind. Forever is nothing to time. When we leave this place nothing will matter, for we will not remember, even if we do there is no way of knowing, so let’s just assume. Fear not the loneliness you experience because we too feel the same.

2008-01-08T21:26:00.000-08:00

I was awakened by a loud, disturbing screech (not a tire mind you) in the middle of the night. I fumbled with my cell and realized it was frigging 3.46 in the morning.

Damn banshee.

The other two slept like babies. The screech continued followed by a random *sptiz* of cans opening, beers and vodkas I reckon. I could tell there were two guys and two girls, one sounded older and the one screaming sounded younger. I had no idea what was going on and I could not make out where the screams and wonderful strings of profanities were coming from. At first I thought they were raping her but I could not be sure.

As far as I know, the only girls living in our apartments are us three and the guys are long over their prime of bringing girls or shall I say women home every night. On the second floor there are two transvestites (they are not hot at all), one old fella that smokes sheesa more than his lungs and our nose can handle and has a laughter that will send chills down your spine. There is the creepy big guy that called me a mongloid, and two other thin equally eerie old men and then there is us. On the first floor there are two (thankfully) normal guys and the rest are all weird. I shall not waste my brain cells trying to describe them.

The incident planted all the long forgotten horror stories in my head and as much as I was expecting someone to climb over our porch and do god knows what (we sleep with the porch door open, the screen door is used to keep out insects but it does not keep out humans) but I was too tired to bother. So I just stared at the ceiling and waited for the sun rise.

Sherlyn get well soon, take care of your leg. No more bike rides for you.

2008-01-05T20:13:00.000-08:00

I wish I could justify my actions, why I do the things I do. Not always the smartest, wisest decisions, accomplishments. I am not proud of them. And I am not proud of hurting people either. Changes, new beginnings, adaptations I need to adapt to. Still looking back, still stuck where I was left. I am willing to walk if you are, be it the same direction or not.

sweet ends and bitter beginnings

2008-01-04T18:51:00.001-08:00

If the summer heat does not kill us, I don't know what will. Walking home religiously after school everyday this week, under the scorching heat sure has left us very unevenly tanned. Times like this, I cant wait for spring to arrive again.

Work has yet to commence. David was unwell and we got the week off from work as well. It was bad news for our wallets but good news for us since we got to go back to school. Daylight saving ends end of March and hopefully my social life will improve again when that happens.

2008-01-03T16:03:00.000-08:00

We all have something that digs at us.
At least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up,
I know you count on the me from yesterday.

If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me.
Sing this song.
Remind me that we’ll always have each other,
When everything else is gone.

thanks for everything.

2007-12-17T18:06:00.001-08:00

I try not to get depressed over circumstances that are not in my favor, not everything I can alter.

I do not know how to feel better when you are rubbing the facts to my face, I get it.

2007-11-05T20:30:00.001-08:00

I am so tempted to get lost in the bottles and drown my senses completely numb. The frustrations died down but the torture still continues. I love you, all of you. I think life hates me but no more than I hate myself. Incompetent indeed.

2007-11-03T17:56:00.001-07:00

I find myself shaking. Dreams seem so real these past few days. Vivid and illustrated somewhat like reality. I close my eyes and cover my ears to shut out the din in the day, be oblivious for once, and act invisible. No you don’t see me, you don’t see me at all.

Here I don’t have my comfort space, the toilet is too cold and the wardrobe is too small to get lost in. Walking down familiar streets, so cold, wished there was some place else I could be on my own. I am worn out from the blasphemy of your words, and I have shut my pride, too hurt to speak I’d rather be out on the streets than to bear this anymore.

2007-10-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Nobody owns you; you are your own keeper. So run even if you have to. Go far far away, where ever you wish to. If you ever come back your space on the shelve shall never be replaced. Run wild, after all life’s too short.

2007-10-22T19:57:00.000-07:00

I have been a cause of too many tears now, some even my own. It’s about time I dug myself out of this miserable hole and search for some light, a purpose of sorts.

thanks ni.
and sorry to everyone else.

2007-10-16T02:14:00.001-07:00

Wristcutters:A Love Story

I wanna watch this movie.

"who the hell likes being stuck in a place where you can't even smile? i just want to go home."

"when i'm here with you, i kinda miss myself, who i used to be."

"what were you like?"

"i was happy..."

2007-10-09T01:46:00.000-07:00

I am just bouncing about the rims of depression. I should just freefall. School work is crazy, think I took a break from it too long. I do not fear knowledge; it’s just the way it presents to me that makes it so tough. The whole system is unfamiliar and expectations are doing my head in. No one takes me seriously and I am done caring. It’s about time I stood up to my sticky tag as a nerd, yet the sight of the library makes me cringe. The books are outdated because the selfish idiots borrow all the good stuff for months on. I should stop lamenting and make better of the situations but like I said, no one takes me seriously.

The sun rises at 6am. It’s too fucking early. My biological clock is screwed up. Spring is still chilly and I don’t want to be kissed by another fly. They get too friendly with our faces and if we are not careful they can enter the orifices. My skin is dry from all the facial wash and scrubs and I’d like to very much state that it’s clean. Regardless, like bees to a flower, they come. Not the armpits, notanywherewesweatandmightstink, but right to the damn face.

Some people are not worth trying for.
The efforts are pointless.
Misunderstandings they don’t want clarification to and they blabber too soon but I may be wrong too.
We might only have 30 more years to live so why throw it all away?
One is too blind to see and the other is too hurt to speak.
For this I hope you will still love me…
*picks the rag doll up and takes it home*

2007-10-06T23:52:00.001-07:00

busy with sch. :)

2007-09-13T11:51:00.000-07:00

It takes more than fairy dust to make this fairy tale and the magic is losing its touch. The ending will have a different ending and many new rivers will be created. Explanations are beyond me, yet I understand your predicament. I would never hurt you intentionally and I do not intend to. But we are all selfish imps and we all have broken many hearts.

The priorities have now shifted, there’s so much to get my head around. I can’t afford to be kept distracted in these situations. Somehow being ignorant helps, being in a foreign state. Lots of changes we need to adapt to and slowly reality is taking its first kick in my head.

2007-09-12T23:50:00.000-07:00

Argentina played beautifully and Australia fought back equally with the determination to win.

Final score, Argentina 1-Australia 0.

It was a bloody awesome experience, sorry I do not have pictures to share at the moment, the seat was too high up and I felt too dizzy to take nice pictures. Melbourne city looks lovely at night. The neon lights are hypnotizing. The 50 bucks was worth it.

2007-09-06T01:32:00.000-07:00

Everything is so screwed up.

2007-09-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

Deadlines still leave me unfazed, they are so near yet I feel as if time plays by my rules.

I already have plans made to kill the stress that might build up during the process of getting my work done but there is no pressure yet to be released so I suppose it will not be necessary.

It’s frustrating to know that I have every means to get everything done in a day and yet I stretch my days till they lose its elasticity and before I know it, a day has past and you won’t believe how quickly the night falls over here.

Instead of sleeping or pretending to do my work, wish I could just lay a mat out on the porch and watch the million scatters of tiny flames in the night sky. There is hardly any light out to cast a sense of brightness in the dark and everything is so crystal clear and I dare say, perfect. Alas should I do that, I’d probably freeze to death. So I just lay my lazy self down on a heated mattress covered with thick quilts and drift off to another world that seems more familiar.

Even if it means getting to bed at 9pm and I am still waiting for something, anything.

Good night.

2007-09-04T19:30:00.001-07:00

I do not know under what grounds to feel frustrated, it could be an inadequate misunderstanding or I could be right for the first time besides my measly life. I do not know where to point my finger this time to shift the blame and I am left clueless of what to really go through this time round.

I can’t see with my eyes wide open, I left you all bruised and cut. If forgiveness is not as issue then I’ll tell you to leave. Don’t turn your back and disappear like how we all do. I’ll leave too.

It’s time you stop giving and I’ll stop taking.

2007-09-03T22:57:00.000-07:00

Been staring at the laptop screen for too long, 4 hours to be exact, and I have yet to finish my essay. Internet is boring when you are in school. When I think about it I paid (actually my parents) almost 11 k to come here and study and there are only 5 weeks of school in a semester. Rip off. Living life in mono can really kill your motivation and suddenly the pillow becomes the only comfortable thing to rest your head on. I am sleeping the days of my life away, one night at a time. I am waiting for something to happen and I have no clue what that thing is. And I am still waiting.

The only joy I find from life is when I eat (I am getting fat) or find any excuse to avoid doing my work. Makes my day, it really does.

Weird people live with us in the same building (two of them are cross dressers and one of them called me a Mongoloid- a crude term used to call a kid with down syndrome). Very cozy ey? I am still offended and I feel like burning his beloved sailor hat. I want to move house but my bank balance will not allow that because I am wasting 50 bucks to go watch a soccer match. I could have bought a nice hoodie with that money or blow it all in a hair salon cutting my Beatles hair. But sadly summer is still a month late.

I am secretly hoping that my neighbor will mistake me for her boyfriend because he looks and dress almost like I do (short and very shabby), and I wonder what else will happen after that. It’s about time my life got interesting. I really wonder what she sees in him, she is pretty.

Ok, I did not mean that. Daneil is a really nice guy.

Its about time I woke up.

2007-08-28T22:50:00.000-07:00

I may not seem myself.

Little thoughts, at times bigger ones inhabit my tiny mind. Often at times they are matters usually one won’t worry themselves with, but it seems important to me, yet they are only mere words. So much significance I place on a sentence, they spill out in millions and I only manage to seize a minuscule few.

At times I forget those words completely and they never come back. Memory does not get generous with me no matter how much fish I feed it. Stories, poems, rubbish big and small, I entertain myself with on some nights I can’t get to sleep but don’t label me an insomniac, not yet, I am getting there. Just little musings my mind plays to make me smile or even cry at times.

I wish I could talk to people of civilization like how I would to the people in my head.
I could be with my mind alone for a week and I would not feel isolated.

I am still going on.

I am here but only in the physical aspect, going through the daily routine these robots do, other then that I am no where to be found.

Where am I really? I am lying down on a warm patch of grass in some area five years ago; there is no one around and its bliss. The sky is exploded in orange, red hues, it’s always sunset here. I don’t dare look away in case I miss a moment. Tomorrow I’ll be in outer space drinking Jupiter juice with my alien friends.

I don’t want to be discovered, I rather stay lost in this little legroom I made, and it’s comforting. The views change all the time.

Then you arrive.

Randomness overwhelms my mind and I only want to hold a conversation with you everyone else fades into another dimension. My words are a big mass of putty chunked together and we take time piecing them out, trying to discover hidden treasures stuck on them. I know they don’t make sense and its all in hodgepodge to you, you do not really understand yet I know my views are still conventional, at least to you.

I am talking to you.

My head hurts; I cry and I wail and think too much. Too much for my own damn good. This is where I start my hypochondriac garbage, my jaws numb only on one side, and my head too, oh damn now it’s radiating my limbs, I’ll get stroke and die. No really, I learnt this is school. I know this kind of stuff. Really!

This world is a bitch and it bites too. I’ll close my eyes and start to imagine, drift off to a nicer place other than Ben and Jerry’s, my own head.

You speak.

Can I come in too?

I wake up.

2007-08-20T17:54:00.000-07:00

My elation ebbs together with the sun during dusk,
Leaving me in my desolation
With only the twilight for companionship
I need brighter days with lesser violet and blues
I suggest tangerine bright amid the added hues

Winter can get depressing it really does, especially on overcast, bitter, gloomy days that’s just meant to be dead. It’s ever so rare when the sun shows its face once it’s finally managed its way out amongst the grey candy flossed sky. I try my hardest not to let it bother me much, yet it manages to slowly lug the happiness and delight out of my system leaving me chilly in the end just like the damn weather. I’ll try harder.

I need additional Neil Gaiman fixes. I presently finished Fragile Things despite taking my own sweet time, I let the book drag on for months on and now I need a new book to keep me entertained. My lecture notes should be the top most priority since assignments are due real soon but being the slacker I am, I am leaving it to the eleventh hour as usual.

Fosters makes me happy, it really does. I do not remember being so emotionally inclined as such to cartoons before but I guess I can get desperate at times too. I am a bored stranger in a foreign land and school work will do no bidding in the given current situation.

2007-08-07T21:19:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs,

Stop and wait a sec,
Oh when you look at me like that my darling,
What did you expect,I probably still adore you with you hand around my neck,
Or I did last time I checked,

Not shy of a spark,
A knife twists at the thought that I should fall short of the mark,
Frightened by the bite though its no harsher than the bark,
Middle of adventure, such a perfect place to start,

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs,

But I crumble completely when you cry,
It seems like once again you've had to greet me with goodbye,
Im always just about to go and spoil a suprise,
Take my hands off of your eyes too soon,

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs and a smile.

505, Arctic Monkeys

2007-08-05T23:53:00.001-07:00

I ought to end this irritating, slacking habit of mine and start killing my brain cells. There are too many distractions surrounding, including this thing that I am using to type this. You get the drift.

I feel deprived of so many things.

I forgot to bring out my jacket today when leaving for school and its freezing cold outside.

I miss home terribly and I wish I could sleep more.

I want to get a drivers license as well so we won’t be so dependant on the public transport that sometimes takes ages to arrive.

It’s freezing cold as ever. We finally met Bigyan after 4 years of wait and he still looks the same. Haha… He looks better, taller, and fitter. Now I want to meet up with the rest as a whole group.

I am worn out.

2007-08-01T19:45:00.001-07:00

My number 50 post.

I never liked wind to start off with. They are great as they cool us down on a hot, smothering day etc; sure a breeze is pleasant once in a while. Summer is still a long wait away and the wind is picking up besides the chill. We can’t see wind, unless they materialize the fallen leaves on the ground, newspaper anything that is light enough to be lifted off the ground and my dislike revolves about that revelation itself. Its getting colder here these days, staying out is not much of an option unless you are those who does not mind getting wind slapped. We walked to school yesterday and our hair got a nice mess up at the end of the journey. Enough of the weather, I am boring myself too.

School is good, the lecturers notice that we are being too quite in classes and we ought to part take soon. Groups are being formed; news acquaintances met, and work needs to be done. We are still hungry people as usual. I am craving for some dunkin donuts.

We’ll be going to meet Bigyan on Sunday in the city, finally get to meet that bloke after 4 years! Does not seem like a long time but it has been quite. I am looking forward to that.

I wished I had an SLR with me so I could capture every moment in a still frame and show everyone what my eyes see. I can walk on the same road countless number of times and yet there are new things to see every single time no matter how familiar the path. I feel like a giant looking down the steep slope of roads and my jaws drop in amazement as I set my eyes on the far off lands as if its mine for the taking, down the hills/valleys whatever you might call it. I wish I could describe the whole scene better; it is really a wonderful sight.

If I start on describing the sun sets here I will not do any justice at all, see it for yourself, maybe you might do a better job. And the sky here with the clouds really look like the ones in The Simpsons, I mean it. It really does. You know the soft blue sky with the fluffy clouds partly covering it? Exactly like that.

I have naked trees to hug,
My lips to kiss the purple clouds

At times I realize I am not all that all right. Overall. Change does do funny things to people and it has definitely done me some. I am not at all constant, I realize rather disappointingly. My thought processes, reasoning sometimes contradicts me too much. I do admit I hate myself for that. I am, although with my eyes fully open, blind at times. Have I lost empathy? Or want to give too much of it? I always grasp more than my palm can contain and yet try to gather at the same time the ones that slip down my fingers, only to crash it all down on the ground in the end. I am one sad example of one who does not learn from my obvious mistakes, change I said I have yet in that aspect I have far to wade away from, another contradiction and I am back to square one. I’ll never figure myself out. Anyone is free to drop in comments as they please. Many thanks from this clueless lot, for I am not one but many.

On nights with the sad howling wind blowing against the doors, windows, making me lose sleep, some how able me to craft a lot of bull shit.

2007-07-30T00:46:00.001-07:00

Second week of school and the stress just gets over the top. It’ll take time and everything will breeze by in a moment of seconds I know.

It’s really cold today, colder than usual but that’s alright. I think we’re getting used to the climate.

I found out something about myself today, not that it’s a real surprise, just that I didn’t know that I had that kind of sentiment in me. The cranky side that just appears when my tummy stays unfed. The timetable is such a squeeze and no wonder people eat in lectures here all the time. A proper cafeteria fit enough for our Asian bred stomachs is too far away and a scone and hot chocolate is not enough for me. I better get used to it and stop complaining. Then maybe I’ll lose some weight as well. Yay…

Our washed clothes just got drenched in the rain last night. We took the weather for granted and now it’ll take ages for the clothes to dry out. Oh and our shoes as well. We are smart people aren’t we?

It was Tuna’s birthday yesterday and we bought cakes, one proper cake and one half cheese cake. It was super duper yummy. Life just gets better when the cake shop is just about 300 meters away. It’s affordable and delicious too, something rare.

I love the lecturers over here; they use “shit” and “arseholes” in their vocab when they teach. It makes everything more friendly.

I am hungry and I ought to start on my assignments.

Have a good evening.

2007-07-26T22:30:00.000-07:00

First week of school is just over and the pile of assessments they have presented us with seems impossible to get my head around. It’s only been a week and it’s a great disadvantage being international students but hey, you got to do what you got to do.

We are taking 4 modules this semester and some of which we already did back in NYP but it’s different in the way they teach the materials and they are very much detailed about everything that they do, of course besides being polite and stuff.

We have to write essays consisting of 1500 words some 2500 words and they are mostly research based. So much for hoping it was all over when I graduated from NYP. Argh…
There is no such thing as group work for the assignments. Back in NYP the lecturer does almost all the talking but over here the tutorials are damn interesting. We just sit back and enjoy the show as the students argue and debate about the topics and the lecturers just listen.

People here are super polite and strangers just talk to you, when you are waiting for the bus or just walking around the campus. We owe a huge deal to this Italian bus driver who helped us when we were moving house and we were thrifty enough to not mind the embarrassment of dragging the 30kg loads of bags along the streets of Bundoora. We would have to wear paper bags if we were back at home but over here it’s next to nothing. No biggie at all, everyone does it as long as you do not have a car. The bus driver was nice enough to help us with the bags and even stopped right in front of the house even though the bus stop was still a while away. Damn sweet fella. He’s old and he keeps on saying Mama Mia. Haha…

Our days here, we have cried, laughed, we felt cold, we felt hot, we got angry and we just got a terrible shock just a few days before. It’s very embarrassing.

Our groceries ran out and we were hungry as usual and we decided to order Domino’s Pizza. We had a buy one get on free kind of coupon the school gave us and we thought why not since we try not to go out to buy food after it gets dark ever since we moved house. We stay in a newly renovated house, it has 20 units I think and we are on the 2nd floor, its something like a 2 room HDB. It’s meant for 2 people but they made exceptions for us three.

So we ordered the pizza and an hour passed and it had still not arrived. We called again and they said it’ll arrive soon. The delivery person was supposed to call my number when he/she reached and we’d go down and collect it. We thought why not wait down stairs, check our mail box and get fresh air.

So we went down the stairs and we were talking about I forgot what now and we were laughing and very engrossed in our conversation as shoes proceeded to unlock the main door. They have screen doors here as well and the screen door was closed when shoes opened the main door and it was opened half way and it was very dark outside when we heard a very deep “Hi!” coming from behind the screen door as if someone knew we were coming and we got caught in their trap, I swear it sounded inhuman, rather sinister.

It was fucking scary and using our fight or flight respond, we screamed, first shoes then me followed by tuna and at the moment of time strangely the main door was nearest to me and I just slammed the door shut while we continued screaming like little school girls for a minute or two and after everything we felt really stupid because the drama was unnecessary and we knew it was the delivery girl at the door. Sounded like a man I swear, must be the screen door. We were still shaking from the scare, we managed to register in our mind that it was freaking embarrassing and while trying to look composed we laughed to ease the tension.

The delivery girl was supposed to call first but she didn’t and she said that she was just putting up her hand to knock the door when shoes opened the door. She thought we knew she was coming and she said hi. That’s when the embarrassment started. We did get our pizza and a fright as well. Pity the delivery girl too. They ought to put a porch lamp at the main entrance. We were still shaking when we went up but it felt better after awhile. Really dumb right? First Domino experience, we will never forget.

Have a great weekend people.

2007-07-25T19:48:00.001-07:00

12/07/07

So we went to Preston Market this afternoon, it was a nice experience. We missed the morning orientation lectures, the alarm rang about five times but none of us bothered to get up. The talk weren’t that important anyway. Having slept for the whole morning, we rushed to have our late brunch and managed to catch the bus just on time. It was freaking cold and we under estimated the weather and it was the worst possible time to dress down.

The market wasn’t too far away, which is a good thing. We just bought more instant cup noodles for dinner and next day lunch. I miss real food so bad! There were stalls selling Asian food but it was really a rip off, 6 bucks for a bowl of laksa etc. We only had an hour or so to look around at Preston Market but we could not look everywhere. We’ll be going back there during the weekend on our own to buy more food.

Back at the motel all we do is just watch tv. They do not have many channels here but they are better no doubt. We just watch The Simpsons, Big Brother Australia and movies etc. But we are seriously are damn bored. We can’t miss tomorrow’s lectures.

Goodnight…

13/07/07

We can’t stop eating, seriously. We have run out of our instant noodles officially. And even the cookies we bought last night from the Petrol Station are all digested in our endless guts. We can’t stop eating. I am getting fat. We went for the lectures today; we had free breakfast and free lunch, yay! But we are still hungry, seriously. I feel like going down to Mac now but it’s already ten past ten here. Argh!!! And my tummy is rather big already, but I can’t be bothered. Damn winter. It’s getting rainy these days and I look as if I am in Antarctica these days but I don’t care.

Hungry…

2007-07-25T19:47:00.000-07:00

11/07/07

Ravens greet us every morning when we get out of the motel and I get constantly get reminded of the Sandman comics. They’re huge.

I miss home terribly. I could not get to sleep last night, didn’t sleep at all. I sat outside blowing visible breath out off my mouth watching the random cars go by. Shed a tear or two, so did shoes. Felt bad for bugging her but I had to let it out. Shoes fell asleep after a while and Tuna slept like a log through out everything, her piglet soft toy lying on the floor. The heaters constant humming and the fickle of the temperature from warm to cold just kicked the sleep out off me.

I miss the security back at home; being carefree and careless is not an option here. I do not mean to make this place sound like a hell hole, it is not. It’s great. It’s quiet, unlike the city. It just gets dark really early and 5 pm here looks like its 8 pm in SG. So we try to go back to the room just after the sun sets when we go out. The only time we get out is if we get hungry and walk to the petrol pump station to get supper and walk back to the room. I miss being pampered and not having to make meals on my own. I do not know how long I will have to keep on eating Mac’s and cup noodles. Till we get an apartment with a kitchen, that’s when. I hope we find one soon.

Despite the lack of sleep I managed to survive the orientation lectures this morning. It started today and we met more former NYP students, some OT and PT students but none doing nursing. I wasn’t expecting to meet any familiar faces but it was a nice surprise.

We made new acquaintances, actually only one or two. We were not really enthusiastic about getting all social early in the morning, in other words we were lazy. Hah… The rest from the Health Sciences Faculty were all former NYP students except a lady from Sweden and our Host who was from Persia.

I bet Fai or any boy loving girl in fact would have bled from their noses because the some of the guys were really good looking. Tuna had a great time washing her eyes, checking out both blokes and babes. Haha… And I swear I am not exaggerating and guys, the girls are really hot. But there is a catch, some are too old and while some may look matured enough, she might be young enough to be your little sister. Unless you believe in incest then I got nothing to say.

The weather is looking much better now, still trying to get used to it all.

We send out some of our photos we took when we arrived and yesterday through email today after we made an account with Commonwealth Bank. We still can’t use the internet fully because we have to wait till the 23 July that’s when they issue us with our student card. And without the student card we can’t use wireless and we can’t get a pre paid card, therefore I am still uncontactable at the moment. With exceptions for my family, I have to borrow Tuna’s or Shoes phone.

I like the double cheeseburger here.
I’ll try and sleep tonight, I am tired.

The school is taking us to Preston Market tomorrow. There is so much to do.

11.12 pm

2007-07-25T19:46:00.000-07:00

10/07/07

It’s really chilly here.

I would not like to get on another flight, not anytime soon anyway. Airport customs were such a hassle but it’s for the good I know. Sitting down in the airplane for 7 hours is freaking boring, thankfully there were movies to watch and crazy, impossible crossword puzzle games on board. There were some problems with the brakes I think and about 5 fire engines and ambulances were waiting for us at the Melbourne Airport should the plane have difficulties landing but it was a smooth landing thankfully, if not we’d be ashes by now. I admit I am scared of flying, I never knew this but now I do. We only reached the motel at 2 am, Sg time.

Amongst everything I am thankful for the safe journey and we still are getting used to being away from home. It will sink in eventually.

The motel is fine I suppose, just enough for us at the time being. And our salvation for now is the petrol pump station which is just a run across the road during the late hours where we get our instant noodles from and MacDonald’s is nearby too so good.

It feels peculiar seeing blond hairs instead of black and blue eyes instead of brown. One good thing about them, they have a really good sense of humor.

I like the school; we are in the library now. It might look really old and run down on the exterior but it’s pretty neat on the inside. Just a little bit too quite. It’s really different from the city this place. It’s serene and slow paced and you even get to see parrots pecking on the nuts in the trees while you walk down the walkway.

Dear friends and family, we are doing well. So need to worry so much. It gets really cold, last night was 4 degrees Celsius and that’s the only worry for now. My nose is a tad too sensitive and the room isn’t warm enough. We’ll remember to switch on the blanket warmer tonight. We’ll take care, we promise.

Orientation starts tomorrow. I can’t contact anyone at the time being, I will probably get my pre paid card only tomorrow.

Miss everyone back at home.

5.15pm

2007-07-08T10:29:00.004-07:00

Finally, today I leave this place. It still has not hit me that I am going for real. It feels like someone else is leaving and I am going to send that someone off instead. It has not hit me yet. It will I guess, when the winter cold hits me there and I start to panic and start missing everyone and everything but by then I’ll be already gone.

It feels like I am dreaming, I am asleep with my eyes wide open.

Crap, I am sleepy. Goodnight.

2007-06-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

My eye sight is getting poorer, been skipping on those veggies for too long. Good thing I can wear specs again and look intellectual. I lost my almost brand new specs somewhere on the road between Bugis and Cathy sometime ago and my eyes have been suffering ever since then. That’s a fair lot of bull shit for one night. Hah… But yay! I am getting new specs. Wee…

Shopping is really wonderful, especially when your bank balance is still untouched and it’s your sister’s money you are living on. Thank god for that but I do feel guilty for splurging away, like say about nearly a thousand? But my sister is not complaining, so why should I? Thanks sis. I appreciate it. I’ll return the favor when I get a stable job as well. For now it’s back to the books it seems. I am drained out. Been out shopping for 5 days straight and I lack sleep, my legs are killing me, the soles of my sneakers are wearing off as well. I got new shoes but I can’t wear them, not till I get on foreign land that is.

For now I do not know, nothing is confirmed if I am leaving or not. So what if I got the visa, I do not know if they will still stamp my passport for approval and there is still my medical reports. I am hopeful but I will not be surprised I do not get it. Disappointing yes but not the end of the world either. Why am I not excited? I need sleep!!! And more space in my room, it’s all a mess with the stuffs lying about.

I might be flying off on the 9 of July if everything works out fine. That’s the only possibility so far.

Ni, thanks for the Zen Stone! I love it. :)

2007-06-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

I am either too oblivious or just down right blind.
I can’t see past the surface regardless the numerous times I try.
I lost compassion, empathy I once had in me.
Now I am too cold, too blind to see...

I’ll miss everyone, you the most.

2007-06-15T06:10:00.000-07:00

I could never allow disappointment to let me down again, not again. This might be pretty much the last time I ever get excited over something; expectations never were my best friend.

I tried so hard not to let it affect me, to move on and hope everything goes as planned, smoothly. Maybe it’s just me. The start could have been better but the end was great nevertheless.

Thanks for the memories.

2007-06-03T11:30:00.002-07:00

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned...

Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope

2007-06-03T11:30:00.001-07:00

I tell myself gazillion of times, this is it! I need to sleep; all I need to do is lay my weary state down, close my eyes and drift off to sleep amidst the wonderful dreams. But NO! My body protest it wants to stay active and by then my mind is already zoning off giving up the worthless struggle, unable to shake the stubbornness off the restless me. I am terribly exhausted, I have myself to blame of course. Just one more night, I coax my deluded self.

The full moon seems so sinister yet I can’t seem to peel my eyes off its stunning beauty. The dark clouds make it materialize way better. I can’t stand the darn humidity. Fucking sweating buckets in the middle of the night and air con freezes me to my bones. My thermo regulator is retarded and homeostasis could not get any more imbalanced.

Enough of the weather, I love spending time with the miserable ones. They make me feel suicidal and alive at the same time. How exciting can that be?! Frequently I hear their constant attempts in trying to execute the perfect suicide acts as if in par with the suicide bunnies and just hearing them talk about coconuts makes me smile like an idiot. Times, it makes me forget my worries the world has laid on my back and at times I think too much till my temple and occipital throbs like crazy and when that happens I feel like a hypochondriac and scare myself silly. I will get stroke soon I know, there I go again.

Mere conversations never seem as significant as the ones I share with you, the lovely full moon as our only witness, eavesdropping on our silent blubber and silly laughter.

2007-05-30T04:37:00.001-07:00

Can I just die?

Then everyone will be happy.

None of you deserve this.

Goodbye.

2007-05-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

Grim conversations on a humid summer dawn,

What signifies happiness?
What does it feel like to cease existing?
Is this world really hell we reside in?
Why do memories fall short besides me?

Repressed thoughts never see light and belong in only the dark forbidding, cob webbed corners of our mind, which is always for the best.
Keep it in, keep it in and let the greys appear after the orange glow.
Burn me soul, burn me heart, burn me till ashes do us part.

Loves…

Lup sup!
Who needs money when we have coconuts?
Itchy itchy rub rub…

Randomness prevails!!!

2007-05-27T04:25:00.001-07:00

Reading notes, thoughts of another leaves me unsettled. Too many words cramp up my tiny brain and I am just not quick enough to spill them out in due time. I get la-di-dah easily, being sensitive has been my best attribute so far, not that I am proud of it, I rather not feel so tied up and apprehensive inside. It drains me out at the end of a long dreary day.

Some days I wish I were mean, some days I wish I had a tongue like a backlash just so I could allow my more dormant side to dominate in some situations and cause a sting. But then again as I have learnt from the wiser ones, to leave individuals be for they are who they are and life is by far too short for grudges and wasting time, brain cells and finding ways to make someone miserable does not make you any better a person. Besides, even if I tried hard enough to bring someone down, I know I will never be successful. This is how I am, just like you are who you are.

I felt glad today. Not completely at first but eventually I found myself smiling again. Blame the time of the month, I could not help but feel cranky. My apologies if I ruined anyone’s day today, and my gratitude to the two who made my day today.

I try my best to repress the sentiments where they rightfully belong, hidden. As I know for sure if I were to let them dwell out, many would not be pleased. And even that fear is not sufficed to feel threatened and on some days I feel like letting them out to do the damage but I will keep them in. At least for now it seems.

I do not compare my friends, like one is better than the other. I am glad I am picky with who I give my friendly pass to, for I only have a few.

I am grateful.

2007-05-21T00:57:00.000-07:00

I could have sworn I would not live to see the sunlight in the morning again. Those glistering eyes in the darkness shone lifeless as if all mercy had been ripped violently off them. No sigh of love, no sigh of life, only cold chilliness of death stood in the irises as the weight of fear held me down. I could not move.

“Go away, or I will strangle you.”

Those words had a certain tinge of honesty in them and I was not prepared to disagree or to find out. Terror gripped on my skin and refused to let go, it settled down but restlessness could not get its way.

As much as I wanted to sprint out of the room screaming for help, I was afraid to even breathe and for once I questioned myself, am I afraid of death? No I do not think so. Maybe the idea of my death was nothing like the circumstances at hand, and my murderer I had in mind was not to be my friend. Million possibilities, explanations flooded my partly functioning brain as I prayed silently for everything to come to an end, and soon.

Bad gunky, I thought. Exactly like the bad gunky. I will die, this was the end, I lamented pessimistically. I tried to hold back my tears although I was unsuccessful in that task; I tried to keep the sniffling down.

“Are you dead? I thought you were dead. I strangled you and you died. Are you dead yet?”

Those words lifted what ever measly hope I had of being optimistic and flew away never turning its back. I felt cold all over, cold like the touch of its fingers gripped around my tiny neck. Slowly it tightened and its fingers playfully released the pressure on my neck. As soon as I opened my tightly shut eyes to see, I saw it grinning. No it was not the same person I knew grinning, it was the bad gunky. The grin so sinister, it made me cower to the corner and cry for dear life. Its teeth gleamed in the gloom, the corners of its lips turned up.

“Shh… Only dead people cry.”

2007-05-11T20:14:00.001-07:00

The prospect of me leaving excites and terrifies me at the same time. They make it sound so hassle free and things would go as smoothly as possible. I am afraid I can’t adjust to the new environment, culture and weather. Its winter there now, bless me.

2007-05-10T07:42:00.000-07:00

Songs has become personal and seeing couples on the streets leave me envied.

I just want to lay my head down and pray for a miracle; maybe amnesia will do me some good.

I feel borderline and bipolar as I manipulate the innocent around me.

I feel like a dirty scum bag.

2007-05-09T08:03:00.001-07:00

I am currently playing the sick role at home, eyes are tearing, ears are hurting, throats itching and heads throbbing non stop. I would love some panadol for pain relief but I can’t seem to find any and I am just too lazy to go get one.

I am just amusing myself with Little Britain on the youtube and bringing Sputnik Sweetheart to bed with me at night for company. Other than that life is pretty much bleak.

Hypocritical people I never fail to chance upon, rather disappointing I say. I have had it with the two faced attitude and I am closing my ears on you. Bla bla bla…

Subconsciously I know, yet consciously I tell myself, it’s all right.

Sleep tight babyluv.

My line is temporarily cut off at the moment, so apologies to who ever I have not replied to. I feel anti social, pardon me.

2007-05-08T07:53:00.000-07:00

Tattoo “Misery” on my head and I’ll wear it like a price, after all that’s the best I’ll ever be, ever do.

The screams never cease and the tears flow endlessly, it feels better when it’s all silent, no?

When all you hear is the definite sound of nothing at all.

I wish I were deaf. I wish I were dumb. I wish I wish I wish a wish I wish I were dead.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yukki,

My happiness was like an aneurysm; a fleeting burst of euphoria and it exploded inside me, killing me gradually.

I never denied you my love…
I stayed the same for you…
Slowly, I was etched out from your mind…

You couldn’t see me…

Now, everything seems pointless...
My tears, my blood, my pain…

Against the restless tide of pain, I am determined to wallow in the deep end…
Don’t save me, drown me…
Save me, kill me…

Was that the same? Saving me and killing me?
Think so…

The love songs seem personal…
The words and feelings killing me with its intimacy…

What does it sound like when you feel like everything is going right yet seems wrong?
Sounds like screaming laughter to me…
Hang on for the ride…

Fall me out…
Fall me out…

The tears don’t feel warm anymore…
Or am I dead?
I would like to think so…

Fall me out of yesterday…

2007-05-06T10:00:00.003-07:00

They ask “what is it to you anyway?”

And I lose my voice to answer back. All I can do is close my eyes tightly, try to fight back the tears and let out a sigh.

“If only you knew what it feels like to be me”, I tell myself.

The emotions I feel inside surprises me over and over, I still feel the blood dripped wounds I helped create, and I still feel your pain. It aches me to see you cry, see those sad eyes. It lives in me, someone I used to be, take it with you, and take a part of me. If it makes you smile for a second for a day then run with it, go into the dreaming and pray to Morpheus to let you stay. Say you never want to wake, tell the lord, you rather leave the mortal realm and have a part of me with you forever, ingrained. Etched in your heart, etch, you loved that word. You loved words, you loved simple things, and you loved the smell of a part of me. You took for granted and I leave, I only stay to leave. I need to go now. Now run along, I’ll see you when I see you.

Yukki says Aishiteru.

Yukki loves you.

Yukki misses you.

Stop crying Neko…

2007-05-05T20:39:00.001-07:00

It started out with a hint of doubt but now that it’s finally over, we can let our blood hair down.

I want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The memories in my head from years ago when we first started are still as clear as day, it seems so yesterday but that was three years ago.

I do not know how I got into a course I never ever wanted in a first place and now I am getting out of school with the same cert that has taught me how to be more human.

Right now I feel really carefree and old at the same time.

What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?

I am restless from the excitement. One night of partying has worn off me and I need to feel high once more. No need to get drunk, the damn smoke in the rooms makes me feel like I downed a dozen of pints. Its something in the lights that fascinates me, its blinding sparks of white lights makes me feel like flying, too bad it’s only temporary.

I am sick of MOS, I have two months left, date me out before I go.

Note to Self

2007-05-03T09:14:00.000-07:00

Note to Self :

Nothing would describe today better than simply put, totally fucked up.

The day started out all wrong, I screwed up some and I hurt some. I felt like the epitome of disappointment and seeing you will out your tears to cry only drove the sorrow to my bones and I thought there was no turning back now.

I am not the same person I used to be years ago, I have grown another layer on my soft spot and I can no longer empathize but I am trying my best to see where I have gone wrong in this path where only broken hearts find me.

Would you stay? I lost you along the way. Some part of what used to be, no longer resides in me. I’ll meet you in my dreams instead, let’s get some deserving sleep and never wake.

For now I wish I were deaf, or rather have songs permanently ingrained, constantly playing in my head so I can tune out the shouting at the back ground, I never liked family issues. Mum and Dad, please stop shouting, you will break her bones, stop it. Cover my ears.

Rid yourself off the insecurities that eat you up on the inside.
It’s only in your mind, quit being a paranoid.

I love you. I sincerely do.

I miss you all…

It’s all ending very soon…

See you on the other side.

grins

2007-04-29T22:06:00.000-07:00

I bite my lower lip to prevent myself from screaming in joy, THREE MORE DAYS LEFT!!!

But it’s still not over yet so I’ll hold my tongue till the last day, till the last minute, till the last second when it’ll be finally, finally, finally over.

The 5 days straight, non stop work from pm to pm to am etc was tiring but I am glad the days really passed by pretty quick. Work was smooth, we are getting the gist of everything and work does not feel like what it used to when we were in year 1 and year 2. I guess we all have matured into responsible working adults. I am crapping again.

Despite the fact that I had a nice end to the day, 3 more days you see, I had a horrible start to my day. It does not help that I arrived home late, very sick and down last night and I went straight to bed as my head was splitting up.

And I got a rude awakening in the morning as my mum comes in my room screaming at me that it’s already six thirty. My work starts at seven am and the clocks at the wards are ten minuets early and so I get really jolted and end up screaming at my mum to shut up as I grab my uniform and start ironing the ugly thing while I am still feeling groggy. Taking an mc was not an option, I badly wanted my three days break.

And so I rushed off, running as it rained like crazy and my other PRCP mate texts me, “hey you are morning, you know?” And suddenly all the cabs in this damn place are extinct as I set my frustrated and tired eyes on the empty road and I think to myself, this is really bad. With 10 minutes left to go, thankfully a cab shows up and I hail the damn thing as if it will not stop and I was damned on making it stop, I was so determined I would have stood in front of the cab if I had to but that was not necessary.

Luckily I reached work just on time and as I came out to the ward, the sister just came out of her office so it was really a close shave. One second delay and it would have proved fatal. Ok la, not that bad but still, I have never been late for work before, just yet.

I fumbled at work for a while, I forgot the steps to inserting the catheter but I still managed to get the right hole on the first try for the first time. Not bad huh? Usually it’s really difficult to get the right one.

Now work is over, hello break!!!

3 more days! Weee… *cross fingers*

cure me

2007-04-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

If only I was much stronger psychologically.
If only I made my own cures for the poison I inflict under your skin.
If only I was more decisive and knew exactly what I want when I want it.
If only I was not so much of a bother and
If only I found comfort in simple pleasures like I used to.

This guilt lives in me.

Every inch of me aches
This hurting never ceased since it started, it probably never will

I badly need a GTN, some Prozac’s and lignocaine to numb this pain.

hoping

2007-04-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

I am finally resting my limbs in preparation for tomorrow’s work that will continue till Saturday in which I won’t get any break in between. In year one and two that was the normal schedule but I suppose I am used to having breaks in the middle of the week and I rather work mornings on weekends so I do not have to deal with the relatives.

I thought I would lose weight from these 6 weeks of hell but I am surprised to see myself gaining weight instead, it’s the stress I tell you. Damn I feel fat.

Two more weeks to go before this race is over and we can’t wait for it to end. After that its time to hit the clubs like crazy. While all our friends have graduated, we are the only idiots left to receive our certificates.

We are still crossing our fingers that we all pass and hopefully things will be all good. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to repeat a few more weeks at the wards. It’ll be devastating. Since I will not be staying here, I hope they cut me some slack.

hell...

2007-04-16T07:34:00.000-07:00

Night shift drained the life out off me. I imagined it to be better than I expected but as usual it never turns out the way you want it to. I felt like sleeping on the unoccupied bed, I felt like sitting down and resting my head on the desk, my eyelids were heavy and I was ready to doze off anytime I felt like I had nothing to do. And it didn’t help one bit when they would claim to see “things” and ask us to tell them to keep quite. Really freaky but I felt more sleepy than scared.

I did my IELTS and it did not insult my intelligence at all. I did not like the format of the test and the questions they asked during speaking did not make any sense at all. I fell asleep half way and having night shift did not help one bit. I just could not wait to get it over and done with.

I am really glad it’s all over and the final two week of the race we have to bear. It will not be easy. I do not think I am prepared to take 9 cases yet. I like my preceptor though, she is really nice.

I miss my friends, namely Janu and the nerds, Fai, Jie, June etc. Basically the usual people I go crazy with. Sorry I have not mailed you people. I’ll try to on my off days alright. We work weekends as well.

Ni I am sorry, don’t be angry ok. I didn’t mean it like that.

Shoes I’ll see you soon!!!

I love you sayang…