End of the year and the beginning of the year, each year, I find myself holding my breath. Only past Febuary do I breathe again.

Despite the promise of a secure job for next year I still feel apprehensive. I have learnt to discount on hope and learnt to accept changes as the days go by. I guess I will not be totally happy until pieces start falling into place, where I want them to.

I do not want to complain, my resoultion is to stop whineging. There are many things in life i am grateful for, sure most of them are not physically next to me but that is enough to make me smile.

I am making up for lost times.

22 is over and gone, despite efforts to run away from reality it has finally caught up with me. What is it with me and growing older? I feel myself changing over these past few months, my values, my thoughts. If only they weren't so drastic, anything but minimalistic.

Spending time with people who have almost touched death really makes you realise how short of a life we live. Here today, gone tomorrow. Being with them, in hindsight, I would have not taken things for granted. My family I once so called "hated", I am pinning for them now. The noise I had to wake up to every Sunday mornings, the aroma of dinner wafting through the kitchen every evening. The laughter, the arguments, the tears, they were worth it and now I wonder if I can ever get them back.

I am envious of ppl who do not have to leave thier family or even if they did they can always go back to the same place. For me that place has competely changed. If I would go back I would be going back to a new place, a new start. I don't want to start over. I want things to be the same.

But we can't always get what we want. Never will.

We live in an ugly world. But live we must.

This loneliness only grows deeper. I miss you, you and you, everyone of you...

The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake and miss you.
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,
But I'll miss your arms around me.
I'd send a postcard to you dear,
'Cause I wish you were here.

I'll watch the night turn light blue.
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.

I'll find repose in new ways,
Though I haven't slept in two days,
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
But drenched in Vanilla twilight,
I'll sit on the front porch all night,
Waist deep in thought because when I think of you.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.

As many times as I blink I'll think of you... tonight.
I'll think of you tonight.

When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here...

owl city - vanilla twilight

Someone stole my bicycle... Sure it wasnt great, sure it needed servicing but I loved that bloody thing!!!

My fault for not locking it.

Whoever took it, ...

I am having a love hate relationship with the Emergency Dept. At times I really enjoy myself, I love the crazy pace of things and everythings really unexpected. But there are times when I feel really incompetent and in trying to get everything done I do a sloppy job and I absolutely hate that. Its only been 3 weeks, I'll get used to it somehow. My bank balance has never seemed as pathetic as it does now. I have given up bothering too much about money these days seriously, I have been trying to save up for the last year and where has that gotten me?

The stench of this city on late nights I can't stand. The stale ciggs and foul odour of piss in their breath.

I am exhausted but I cant sleep. I miss home. Where is home?

I feel sick in my stomach. It feels like so long ago since I felt this way. Memories I rather let die, emotions I rather be without. I feel like a teenager, immature and selfish, lamenting on issues that no longer matter. This facade I've taken ages to build up, now stripped bare to the world I can't hide away my ugliness that haunts my every being. I am trying to forget. I rather forget then remember the things that once were. Past and present they are all mixed up as one in my head, my emotions spirialling out of control, I try to find my centre where ever it may be.

I am not myself. Do not take offend of my remarks, I don't really mean it. I am not the one speaking. Its something else. Really.

Find me my cure.

Today in a few words...

I'd like to be a godma!

Work was friggin busy...bloody loved it!

Flirted with one guy(?) and killed another guy ego.

and

HAPPY BDAY JANU BABY!!!

we are only as old as we think we are...

Miss you!

Love you...

loverhater